Ole Collin Fitzgerald
Syndra Zaylee Fitzgerald
Certainly not in the exact way we planned…but no doubt in accordance to the plan He has for their lives. We are thankful for the perseverance He has taught us, through all of our trials and joys.
We know our family is far from perfect, but we also know, because we are in the firm grip of His hands, we have the make up of an unbreakable team. We can and will push forward together on this journey. Knowing, that He will give us the comfort we will need, through the brave ones He calls, according to the purpose He has for their lives as well as ours.
It is through our trials that we have now learned to even expect God to do the unexpected. And it turns out the unexpected for us, has completely exceeded our GREATEST expectations.
This became clear 8 months ago. When we learned we were pregnant, with twins.
An immediate flashback of our past included miscarriages, death of our infant daughter, birth of our living son, then the death of our 4 year old and soon after an adoption process that brought on more emotional challenges than we ever could have been prepared for. All this taking place, within 4 years.
And now, standing before us, a pregnancy with twins.
When you’ve had a long series of disappointing things happen, you can get into the bad habit of just expecting more of what you’ve already been served.
Walking out of the clinic that day my husband and I knew fear and worry was exactly what Satan wanted to serve us. He wanted us to expect something bad and to become fearful of the “what ifs.”
We decided early on we would not allow our new found joy to be stolen now with undue worry for our babies. Today is certainly a day easily remembered by the pain it so severely inflicted 3 years ago. But it also is a day in our lives that still deserves to be well lived, not wasted. That’s how our son deserves to be remembered. We will seek to see Joy even in this day. Not because this life is always good, but because God is.
We ask for prayers of strength for today and the days ahead, as we continue to journey.
A Four Year Sentence
Four years ago today, our infant daughter Zaylee was brought home to Heaven. Her death started the ripple effect that would be felt across our lives for years, bringing both joy and sorrow. One year after her death we welcomed another son, Zane. And just six months later, came the unexpected death of our 4 year old Collin. Six months after Collin’s death we struggled with miscarriages and 18 months later, bringing us to nearly this four year mark, God sent us our infant daughter Zaylin.
Through these years I had to continue to be a wife, mother and friend. I cannot tell you how many people avoided me, not knowing what to say. Conversations had to be practiced out in my mind as I strived to create less awkward environments for others, but certainly no less awkward for me.
Tucked away most days, I feel I have now mastered the ability to store my emotions in a secure spot, to be dealt with at appropriate times. I call this scheduling my grief. And it’s become truly how I function. Routinely providing the world with a comfy look, at who they want me to be, so not to scare them with what I still carry. Perhaps not a by-the-book approach to grief, but through that discipline I truly feel blessed by a kind of emotional anesthesia that I know only God can provide me.
But unfortunately the transformation through my grief and the past 4 years, has not been completely graceful on my part. The kids deaths have changed me, but it has not turned me into some sort of Mother Teresa. I still have moods, jealousy and I get overwhelmed, yes even at times with my children. Scheduling grief with an already plum full saturated schedule is a cocktail for unavoidable tears. Our marriage, although strong as steel now has endured a battle, we have many scars.
But today I’m also openly passionate about who I am, as well as my beliefs. If you know me well your aware, I’m not afraid to share those things with others. I am in this world but I refuse to be of it. I understand more than ever life’s fragility and beauty, so many things just simply aren’t important to me anymore. But those same things, are still important to many, I constantly find myself searching for a place I fit or can at least squeeze into without offending the majority. I seek to find those few safe places where I can be real, without the obligation to protect others from my tears or explain myself.
The changes certainly have brought on confrontation, people expecting things from me much sooner than I’ve been ready to provide, creating a need for an avoidance attitude, to all potentially similar situations. A once simple invitation to a child’s birthday party becomes a complex situation. A battle between missing my own children and celebrating for others. Relationships have became strained and in many situations, unbearably awkward because of this.
I’ve been through this gamut of emotions over the past 4 years, the unavoidable random thoughts that breed intense pain, they do continue. But the raw pain does soften with time. This grief has not been a death sentence as it initially once had appeared, but it has become a manageable life sentence. With room still for both joy and sorrow. This sentence has also brought amazing gifts. I am now a better mama, wife, sister, aunt, nurse and friend. Some wait a lifetime to obtain the wisdom He allowed me in 4 years. I am so grateful for that, and the legacy my Heavenly children have now left for their siblings. Happy Heaven day to our daughter, Zaylee Lucy.
I WILL be grateful for this Day
How patient He is to let me come far enough in my healing to bring me to the next place, such a slow process but I am grateful. How kind and gentle His reminders day after day, His WILL not mine.
He has taken me gently through the last few years of life; slowly now He demands the fears I’ve tucked so tight away, be dealt with. Slowly unveiling one fear followed by another. Each one building wisdom and faith equipping me to continue to push forward in this world, that is not my Home. Assisting me to design a life here, maybe to one day say I truly love; not just one that feels like my past.
How I ache for His promise of an eternity with out tears and the life forever with Him. Yet, how Grateful I am that His WILL is that I push forward through this life. Bearing witness to the dark times as well as the light.